Celebrity Sandwiches

Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce on rice cakes.

Ben Affleck: Dense slabs of yellow-flavored cheese and iceberg lettuce on supermarket white bread.

Britney Spears: Pepsi-glazed baby tuna on statutory toast.

Calista Flockhart: Laxative-soaked cotton balls on transparently thin cucumber slices.

Carson Daly: Bubbalicious loaf on lip-glossed sticky buns.

Eminem: Blanched crawdad and collard greens on queer-bash foccacia.

George Clooney: Beaver on rye.

George W Bush: Coca-cured armadillo wrapped in an American flag tortilla.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Steamed chives and a Tic-Tac on fat-free Saltines.
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Howard Stern: 1 cocktail weenie and 2 matzo balls in fermented tuna fish pita.

Jackie Chan: Peking duck beaten to pulp and thrown out window of moving truck, pan-friend soft "r's" wrapped in $100 bills.

Jay Leno: Deep-fried headcheese wrapped in a heavily buttered deep dish pizza crust.

Jennifer Aniston: Friendly's fries with peach Pitt gravy on the same tired old roll.

Jerry Seinfeld: Observational gefilte chutney and mullet-shaped mesh of sprouts, served in an acid-washed denim pita.

Jim Carrey: Virginia baked ham and black forest ham, served between two slices of maple cured ham, with ham sauce.

J-Lo: No-fat chorizo with a bling-bling butter and ass-crack soufflé: crust - grandé: (prepared by 12 chefs).

John Malkovich: John Malkovich and John Malkovich on John Malkovich with John Malkovich and John Malkovich.

John Travolta: Grilled space lizard on a $20,000 bun.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Malaysian pre-teen laborer on scallion pancake.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Weathered veal and puffer fish on an oil-drenched croissant.
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Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas: Silicone injected pig lips on tobacco paella toast.

Michael Jackson: Flour-drenched pepper steak on Emmanuel Lewis bialy, with Bubbles sauce.

Michael Jordan: Sliced hamlet with basketballs, baseballs, and golf balls (seasonal), on Nike bread.

O.J. Simpson: White meat and blood sausage on a pan-seared Gucci glove.
Pam Anderson: Fried mayonnaise tart with a silicone shell.

Richard Gere: Holier-than-thou Tofurky with rainforest lotus blossoms and harmony sauce on I-do-movies-about-gettin'-pussy bread.

Ron Jeremy: Foot-long kielbasa, comes in 1000s of buns.

Shannon Elizabeth: Beer-batter-fried American tomcat pie, stuffed in a cheap thong with garnish.

Tom Cruise: Glistening sausage, firmly wedged between hard buns.

Woody Allen: Egg foo "young" and kosher tongue, served on a toasted plain bagel.

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