Romantic Pink Slip
I regret to inform you that
you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably
aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such
as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on
file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your
future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't
imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just
not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
__ The fact that our finest dining experience
to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
__ Your inadvertent admission that you
"buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for
something other than my personality.
__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I
asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you
can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
__ You're too short. Any son that we produced
would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN!
__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic
neck condition from trying to kiss you.
__ The fact that your apartment has been
condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find
your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
__ Your frequent references to your
ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a
trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
__ Your height is out of proportion to your
weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches,
please resubmit your application.
__ The fact that you categorize the
ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence
__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found
in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
__ I am out of your league; set your sights
lower next time.
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