Words Of Wisdom, Graduates!


First of all Iíd like to say congratulations to the 2003 graduates of Jefferson Technical University, central Illinoisí third most selective commuter and community college. As the most successful member of the class of í83 and owner of Jillís Discount Nails and Tanning off Highway J, between the Piggly Wiggly and the Arbyís, it is my honor and privilege to be your commencement speaker on this fine day.

As you ponder what will be your future Ė bank teller, systems analyst, cable technician, middle manager or even a sales representative Ė it is important that you dream. And even more important that you listen to my sage-like wisdom.

Ladies, if you donít have boyfriend, find one immediately. And for those in a relationship, do what you can to get the rock ASAP. Itís difficult to find a man if you have an education and impossible without your youth. Invest all your money in beauty products, tanning and diet pills. Trust me, itís an investment with the best possible ROI.

Gentlemen, keep your eye on the future. Make as much money as you can as quickly as you can. Invest it all in a fast car. Hot girls like fast cars.

If your estranged son dies in a mysterious field 15 years later, donít just read about it in the newspapers Ė send some flowers or money or a card with glitter and seagulls.

If you manage to suffer at a demeaning, coffee-fetching position for at least 5 months, be sure to take plenty of notes for a future tell-all book exposing those assholes at Rent-a-Center.

Be careful where you stick it because it might just fall off.

Do not lick the handrails on the bus, no matter how tasty they may

Always pack a good book and a better gun.

When you have a one-night stand at Darrellís off the interstate, make sure itís with a trucker or traveler you wonít run into after that night. You donít want any awkward moments when youíre getting you eyes checked or eating at the new Italian restaurant. And use as much birth control as you can find Ė you donít want to end up with the most dreaded STD Ė the baby virus.

Take out as many credit cards as you qualify for - after all, you're an adult now and entitled to big-ticket purchases. Don't worry about paying them back, Citibank understands that theyíll get their money eventually. They canít bill you in hell, but they can bill your unfortunate progeny.

Travel and see the world. As founding father Benjamin Franklin once said, ďYou havenít been to France until you sleep with 8 underage girls at once.Ē

Never buy your drugs on credit, no matter how much the dealer says he trusts you. Itís a good way to guarantee youíll get hurt.

To everyone else Ė friends of graduates, family members, court-appointed guardians Ė this is a celebration. Now letís all meet in the parking lot to drink wine-flavored Mad Dog 20/20!

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